As Springer talks, I take a close look at him. He is the double of a young Clark Gable. He knows it, so to heighten the effect has grown a moustache and taken to combing his hair straight back, Gable-style. But the double-breasted suit he wears has seen much better days. The cuffs are frayed, as is the material round the buttonholes. His shirt collar is worn and grubby. He wears a pair of crepe-soled brothel-creepers. Dressed up in a smart suit and using his quick wit to amuse, Springer could easily be devastating with the girls. Sadly, he has two serious faults which ensure the girls give him a wide berth - he is workshy and whatever money he gets, he drinks.

At fourteen, I am just a year away from leaving school and I'm looking forward to getting into the world of work, smart clothes - and girls. I cannot understand why a good-looking guy like Springer is just wasting himself.

He interrupts my train of thought..

'Right, let's take a look at who Superman is when he's not being Superman. Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter oan the Daily Planet, and well-known eejit! As everybody knows, Clark huz a big crush oan Lois when he's Clark. - But when he's superman he's got nae time for her. Is that right?' He looks around for confirmation. He gets it. 'Now, Clark is really just Superman wi' a suit oan and a perr of horn-rimmed specs, yet we're supposed tae believe that naebody ever recognises him, eh! Cummonnnnnl Anywye, as ye know, Clark's in love wi' Lois, but she'll huv nothing tae dae wi' him 'cause she's in love wi' Superman - who is really Clark withoot the specs.'

Springer stops and dramatically claps a hand to his forehead. Awww!
Ah'm beginning tae get a f****n' heidache wi' aw this!' He does some more footwork, then resumes. 'How come we never see Clark Kent taking Lois- tae the movies, or oot for dinner, eh?'

'Cause she disnae fancy him.'

'Naw.'

"Cause .she's waiting fur Superman tae ask her oot?'

"Naw. There's a reason why she never goes oot wi' Clark. What is it?'

We fail to come up with an answer.

'Right, ah'm gonny huv tae tell ye's. It's very simple. If ye's gave it a bit of thought when ye's were reading the comic ye would huv spotted it years ago. Clark cannae afford tae take oot - he's always skint!'

Between laughs we try and remonstrate with him. 'Gie us a break, Springer, he cannae be skint. He's a reporter fur the newspaper, he'll huv his wages.'

Springer shakes his head, saddened by our collective ignorance. 'Well, once again ah'm gonny huv tae explain. But fir tell me something. After years of reading the comic, how many times a week wid ye say Clark has tae change intae Superman and fly aff somewhere tae dae a rescue or battle criminals?'

After thirty seconds' debate we, announce our decision: 'At least two or three times a week.'

'Just remind, me,' says Springer, 'whit diz Clark Kent dae, every time, when he wants tae change intae the Big Fella?'

I take it upon myself to describe Clark's routine: 'He finds the nearest phoneboax, dives inside, bids roon that' quick ye cannae, see him, and seconds later steps oot intae the street as Superman.'

'Couldnae huv put it better maself,' says Springer. 'Now, whit diz he dae wi' his suit while he's away daein' aw these great things?'

'Jist leaves it in the phoneboax 'till he comes back.'

'Exactly!' says Springer. He sounds triumphant. We still can't figure where he's taking us. 'And am ah right in saying they live in a big city jist like New York?'

'Aye.'

'So, jist like any other big city, it's bound tae huv its share of dossers and winos, won't it?' He doesn't wait for an answer.

'And ye know whit they'll be daeing, don't ye?'

'Naw.'

'Well, ah'Il tell ye. They'll spend a lot of their time stoating about the city centre in the vicinity of the Daily Planet building, keeping their eyes oan the phoneboaxes! And we know why, daint we?' Again he doesn't wait for an answer. 'Because they know that two or three times a week they always find a nice suit - complete wi' wallet - lying in wan 0' the local phone-boaxes. This huz been going on for years.

The dossers ur intae the routine:
One: Take wallet oot of jaiket pocket.
Two: Transfer donation tae the Tramps Benvolent Fund intae their pockets. Three: Fold up suit ready for trip tae pawnshop. En route sling empty wallet intae trashcan.
Four: After visit tae pawnshop, make straight for nearest off-licence tae buy the carry-oot, And finally,
 Five: Head for the park wi' the clinking, broon paper carrier bags whilst singing a chorus of 'Isn't This a Lovely Day Tae be Caught in the Rain'.'

As he lists these events Springer rhythmically sways on the balls of his feet. We are in stitches. He holds his arms out wide in an appeal for order.

'So, jist picture the scene twenty minutes later. Superman flies back hame, having jist saved 314 people doon in Brazil or somewhere. He's wondering whit he should make for his dinner the night, lands in front 0' the phoneboax, opens the door, "Bastards!"

 He looks aroon', hears singin' coming fae the park, so he flies ower, "Excuse me interrupting your wee celebration, boys. But did ye happen tae see anybody near the phoneboax in the last half 'oor?" The dossers obligingly stoap singing while halfway through a rendition of 'Misty'.

 "Naw, Superman, we've been here fur ages but we didnae see anybody near that phone-boax. Did we, boys? If we'd seen anybody we wid tell ye, widn't we, boys? Sorry we cannae be any mair helpful. Huv ye loast something, Big Man?"

 "Oh, it's awright," says Superman. "Anywye, ah'Il huv tae be going, ah'Il huv tae get do on tae Hepworth's before they shut and get measured fur a new suit - that's the second this week!"

So he zooms away up in the air like he always diz, and the dossers are aw shouting, ''All the best, Superman" and "Sorry aboot yer suit" and they're aw dying tae laugh., but they huv tae wait until he's well oot the road in case he hears them wi' his super hearing.

Finally, when he's well oot of' sight they start saying things like, "Is he thick or whit, eh?" ana, "Huv ye ever met such a numpry-heided bugger in yer life?" and, "When is he gonny take a tumble tae himself? That's aboot twenty-five suits this year - and it's only February!" ,

By now we are all hanging onto one another, laughing. 'Well, there ye's are, boys. Now ye know why Clark Kent and Lois Lane are never gonny get the gether. He's always skint and can hardly keep the payments going at Hepworth's, never mind being able tae take her oot.' All four of us are wiping our eyes. 'Aye, awright, Springer, we give in. We believe ye.' 'It's aw true, boys. Ye know Springer widnae tell ye's lies. Anywye,' he shoots his frayed shirt cuffs out of his frayed jacket sleeves, 'it's time ah wiznae here.' He does a sort of shimmy like a boxer shadow-boxing. 'Ah'll see ye's another time.

Cheerio, boys.'