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Deep Observations on Life
- by Val
- When I die, I want to die like
my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming
like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two
aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the
bar."
--Drew Carey
"The problem with the designated driver program, is that it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it,
have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the
wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they
should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out
in the lake and threw her off the boat.I said,'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be
eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from
smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall
people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
same."
--Oscar Wilde
"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease"
was taken. Unknown, presumed deceased
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Features - Humour
