Monklands Memories - Airdrie & Coatbridge areas

Bernard Manning Jokes
Sent in by various people

When visiting an old folks' home recently, I met on old lady on the stairs. I said to her, rather importantly: 'Do you know who I am?' and she replied:
'No, but if you ask matron - she'll tell you'.

My sister went into a hairdresser's and said: 'Make me look like Barbra Streisand.' So he hit her over the nose with a hairbrush,

Two cows were standing in a field. One says to the other 'Have you heard about this mad cow disease?' The other replies: 'It doesn't affect me, I'm a duck.'

Quasimodo returned home after a hard day's bell-ringing. On arriving indoors he noticed the wok was on the kitchen table. 'Oh good, are we having Chinese for dinner?' Quasi asked his wife. 'No,' she replied: 'I'm going to iron you a shirt.'

English, Scottish and Irish teams were climbing Mt Everest.
The English made it to 15,000ft then radioed Base Camp to say bad weather had forced them to quit.
The Scottish made it to 25,000ft but had to radio and admit defeat due to frostbite.
Finally the Irish called down, 100ft off the summit:
'Hello down there, we're calling off the climb.' 'Oh, sorry to hear that. What's the problem? Weather? Frostbite? Oxygen?'
'No, nothing like that, we've run out of scaffolding...

Two old maids on a beach, streaker ran past, one had a stroke, the other one couldn’t reach.

Man says to his wife: ‘Pack your bags, I’ve won the pools.’
She says: ‘What should I pack? Something light, something warm? Where are we going?’
He says: ‘We’re going nowhere. Just pack your bags and f*** off.’

I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.

I also like the one about the boatload of Viagra that went down in Loch Ness — and the monster came up.

I went to see that Pavarotti last week and he was a right miserable git. He doesn’t like it when you join in.

I once got sacked for laughing. I was driving a hearse.

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’

I went to Anfield the other day to watch a match.
A scouse lad said, ‘Can I mind your car for you mister?’
I said, ‘No! And for your information, there’s a Rottweiler in the back.’
The lad said: ‘Put out fires, can he?’