Monklands Memories - Airdrie & Coatbridge areas

  To the citizens of the United States of America,

  In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA who is
acceptable to me  and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your  independence, effective today.

  Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
  over all states, commonwealths and other territories.   Except Utah,
  which she does not fancy.  The prime minister  (The Rt. Hon. Tony
  Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
  there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
  America, without the need for further elections.  Congress and the
  Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire will be circulated next year
  to determine whether any of you noticed.

  To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
  rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
  Then look up "aluminium".  Check the pronunciation guide.  You will be
  amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it.  Generally,
  you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  Look up
  "vocabulary".  Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
  filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
  inefficient form of communication.  Look up "interspersed".

  2. There is no such thing as "US English".  We will let Microsoft know
  on your behalf.

  3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
  It really isn't that hard.

  4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
  good guys.

  5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
  Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.  We would not want you
  to get confused and give up half way through.

  6. You should stop playing American "football".  There is only one kind
  of football.  What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
  good game.  The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
  football.  You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
  play proper football.  Initially, it would be best if you played with
  the girls.  It is a difficult game.  Those of you brave enough will, in
  time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football",
  but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing
  full Kevlar body armour like nancies).  We are hoping to get together at
  least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

  7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if  they give you any merde.  The 98.85% of you who were not aware that  there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.   The Russians have never been the bad guys.  "Merde" is French for  "shit".

  8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.  November 8th will be a new
  national holiday, but only in England.  It will be called "Indecisive
  Day".

  9. All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and it is for
  your own good.  When we show you German cars, you will understand what  we mean.

  10. Please tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us bonkers for
  almost forty years.

  Thank you for your cooperation