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A bit of silliness for a dreary Thursday.
Submitted by Bob Sutherland who thinks they are
extremely silly and want to remain anonymous.
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1. Two blondes walked into a
building.......you'd think at least one of them would have seen
it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want marijuana,
press the hash key..."
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3. A guy walks into the
psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says,
"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No,
the steaks are too high.."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.. A strong currant
pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."' Is it common? '"It's not
unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says
the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm
going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?
" "No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's
your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's
either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my
younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and
let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,
'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
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Features - Humour
