This is Humour
that only the Scots will understand

Tom Frew

A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get
me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring wi' rain.'
'Okay' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
And the girl says: 'Fae the tap of ma heid right doon tae ma knickers.'
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A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?' asks the dentist.
'Govan' she replies.
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What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.
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A guy walks into an antique shop and asks: 'How much for the set of
antlers?'
'Two hundred quid' says the man behind the counter.
'That's affa dear' says the guy.
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After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing
the kilt
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearin' a dress,' he replies
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Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
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Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a musketeer?
The dark tan yin
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A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone
box so he calls the operator, who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in
the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies
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While getting ready to do out, a wee wifie says to her husband: 'Shug, do
you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says; 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
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What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye the noo.
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What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
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How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
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A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a
lace missing.
'No,' argues the shop assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan.'
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What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep
farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off my cloud.'
And the Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off ma ewe.'
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What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
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Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the
toilets at Waverley station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
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While being interviewed for a job as a Glasgow bus driver, a man is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
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Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
negative - 'Aye right.'
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A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking along Argyle Street when he spots a man tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up, Jimmy,?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' the man replies.
'Aye, same as masel ..'