Monklands Memories - Airdrie & Coatbridge areas

Not a poem but the possible basis for one

By Harry Mitchell 

I have three categories of jobs. Run of the mill, Blue Peter and Lazarus

1. Run of the Mill Jobs..80%

With the correct equipment, a modicum of skill and a certain amount of sweat 80% of jobs can be completed to my satisfaction

2. Blue Peter Jobs..12%

Programmes like Blue Peter, Changing Rooms etc produce quick accurate results which I suspect are the result of much off-camera work and careful editing. Sometimes my jobs are almost unbelievably straightforward and these are Blue Peter jobs.

3. Lazarus Jobs..8%

Some jobs are apparently impossible but sometimes I do manage to make the equivalent of a silk purse out of a sow's ear and I call these Lazarus jobs because of my interpretation of the Biblical Story.. This isn't the accepted version but if it were there would be no point in repeating it:

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Jesus and his mates, Mathew, Mark, Luke and Clarence were out for a walk in a little village called Bethania ( Clarence was the fourth disciple but he was well known to the local ladies as " their John " so Jesus, working on the principle ' if you can't beat 'em? join 'em' agreed to call him John as well ).

An agitated woman, Mrs Lazarus, stopped Jesus and said she wanted him to bring her husband back to life. Jesus explained that her affection for her husband wasn't really sufficient reason for his resurrection. Mrs L. explained that she wasn't particularly enamoured of her late husband but he was a very rich merchant (Not a beggar as the Bible insists). He had a vast store of gold hidden away but he hadn't told his wife where it was before he shuffled off this mortal coil. She went on to say that if he could be revitalized long enough to reveal the hidden fortune there would be a few shekels in it for Jesus. 

She led Him to a small back room in her house. He opened the door and was aware of a dreadful smell. Jesus said "You've left it a bit late how long has he been dead?"  Mrs L told him that it was only a couple of hours but Mr L had never been very interested in personal hygiene.

Now Jesus was not too keen to stay in the room so He said "Lazarus, take up thy bed and walk.. and make it sharpish"  The next minute Lazarus was off down the road dragging his huge four poster with Mrs L shouting "Where's the money?" and Jesus saying more discretely "Don't forget my shekels"

 That, in essence, is the basis for the Bible Story.

 BUT.. If Lazarus had stayed very determinedly dead Jesus had a fall back position. He could simply have said to his followers:   "What did you expect? ? A *****miracle"

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Hence my Lazarus jobs.. If I succeed I'm a miracle worker and if I fail  who can blame me?

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