Joke selection
A married Irishman went into the confessional
and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another
woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're
not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and
put
£50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and
then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave..
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor
box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the
box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it
in!'
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to
Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said,
'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad
passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze
seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of
your face.'
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from
anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his
side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,
'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed
by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open
and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed
because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a
pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went
to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead...
Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church.... But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they
believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mother of Jesus! Why
didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the
phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the
Tax Office. Can
you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate £10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
Confession
An elderly man walks into a
confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We
went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three
times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'You're Jewish, Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ...... At my age, I'm telling
everybody!'
Trip to the Brothel
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he
would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she
looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor
and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times
lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is
when you forget to zip down.'
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate
affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control
company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!'
and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search
of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet...
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of
moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little
bastards!'
Marriage Humour
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing..
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour.'
Husband:….'I
was looking for the expiration date.'
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
Stress Reliever
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your
worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, honey, but I don't have any
worries or
troubles.
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad
this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married
me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you,
NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like
most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at
her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of
humour!'
Let us pray.....................
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk
Features - Humour
