Humour
Pages - The place for aspiring comedians??
Assorted Jokes!
Double Glazing salesman BEWARE!
We all get unsolicited telephone calls for companies
selling Double Glazing, kitchens etc. It is most
annoying to be dragged away from your meal or your
favourite TV programme. Tom Mabe has perfected
a way of getting back at these intrusions:
http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/
Church Organist
Miss Beatrice,
the church organist, was in her eighties and had
never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her
and she showed him into her quaint sitting
room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the
young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting
on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated, of all things, a
condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they
began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of
him and he could no longer resist.
Miss Beatrice",
he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I
was walking through the Park a few months ago
and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread
of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu
all winter."
Woof, Woof
A Great Dane went to a telegram
office, took out a blank form and wrote:
?Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.
Woof.?
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the
dog: ?There are only nine words here. You could send
another ?Woof? for the same price.?
?But,? the dog replied, ?that would make no sense at
all.?
Subject:: Anniversary
A husband found himself in big trouble when he
forgot his wedding
anniversary. His wife angrily told him,
"Tomorrow there better be something for me in the
driveway that goes from zero to 180 in five seconds
flat!"
The next morning, the wife found a small package in
the driveway. She
opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Visiting hours for the husband at the hospital are
limited due to the extent
of the injuries.
Hunters
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says:
"OK, now what?"
An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on
marrying a women of 30 and would he have any
suggestions.
Yes, says the Doctor I would advise you to take in a
Lodger. A year later at his 80th year check-up, the
Doctor asks how everything is going. He says fine
his wife is pregnant. The Doctor remarks, so you
took my advise and took in a lodger ? Yes I did, was
the reply, and she's pregnant also...
Two Elderly Men sitting on a park bench, watch the young girls go by. One says to the other "you know I'm still sexually interested in Women".
"In fact I always get excited when I see the young Girls walking by".
"The real problem is, that at this age I dont see so good any more".
How about the aged couple (mid to late 60"s) that decide to get married after losing their respective spouses to death, and then move to Florida.
As they are are talking through the sharing of household expenses and other miscellaneous things (they're) both relatively well off with each one having retirement income), Jane asks Harold what they should do about their own houses.
"Well, we ought to each sell our homes and then we can each put half the purchase price into our new home." Harold then asks Jane what she'd like to do about the grocery bills and she says "Neither one of us eats very much, so maybe we ought to split that bill on a monthly basis." to which she agrees. Then what about the utility bill? Same sharing response.
Then Jane asks Harold what he wants to do about
the sex thing, and he replies "Oh, infrequently"
and she says "Harold, was that one or two words?"
.. An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some counselling from the marriage guidance mob, to see if their union could be saved. The counsellor did her best, but to no avail. The old folk were absolutely *determined* to go through with separation leading to divorce. Finally, in some desperation, the counsellor said: "But you're 95 and your wife is 93. You've been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??" To which the wife replied: "We haven't been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up."
This old man marries a girl barely out of her teens. Needless to say she is asking for it so whenever they get into bed on the wedding night she asks him "So are we going to have rampant sex tonight?" The man responds by raising his hand and outstretching his fingers. "What? Five times?" asks the eager girl. "No", he replied. "Pick a finger".
What dominates the thoughts of men at different stages in their lives: Ages Primary Concern 0-3 Pooping 4-10 Guns 11-14 Sex 15-20 Sex 20-40 Sex 40-60 Sex 60-? Pooping
